Thank you

On October 26th we went to our regular OB check up expecting that all was well with Caleb. Dr. Mason listened for the heartbeat and found none - encouragingly he patted my hand and told me that sometimes babies turn and it is difficult to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler. So they got the ultrasound machine. As I lay there that day watching his expression change my heart went numb. No heartbeat, Caleb had passed away. I felt my world crash around me and could barely hear the next things that Dr. Mason said - I called Brent and he came in with all our children in tow.
The next week passed in a blur of heartache and questions - and how do you answer the questions of your children when your very own heart is reeling in shock. I felt so separated from reality - begging for a Lazarus miracle and receiving a small answer: "Surrender it all to me, I will take care of you - this seems like it will overwhelm you, but just as I stilled the wind for my disciples I will still this too, surrender".

What a difficult thing to do - human nature cries out for answers, demands control, wants stability, needs things fixed. God however wants us to be fully reliant on him, to give up the need for control, to accept the broken - knowing that in our brokenness He is making something more beautiful in the end. The key is letting him have the brokenness and not asking what he's making but fully trusting that it will be better and blessed.
I think I cried enough tears to fill a river, yet my comfort is those tears were lovingly counted by my Father.

Peace comes in that surrender - a strange peace that I am unable to put into words. God did not remove my heartache, he did not stop my pain, he did not stop my tears. He just wrapped me up in his love, wrapped my family up in his love. And we are changed because of this surrender, because of this encounter with His love, His grace, His provision. Our eyes were opened to spiritual things so beautiful that we shall never be the same. What the enemy would have as tragedy our family sees as victory, what the enemy would use to drive a wedge between husband and wife have driven us all the closer together as we leaned into our Lord, our Refuge, or Strength and Strongtower.

My Father's words to Jeremiah so many years ago echoed in my heart.."Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; and before you came forth I sanctified you..." (Jeremiah 1:5), and again in Psalms David recounts the same knowledge. Caleb was known and loved by God. He was given as a heritage and blessing to Brent and I and our children - Anna Grace, Chase Ryan, Justin Wyatt, and Rachel Elisabeth. Caleb's days from conception where written out by God, numbered by His hand just as each one of our days are. His life was sanctified - set aside, special and valued - by God. He was created for an expected end (as the scriptures say each of us are). In what the world sees as a tragedy I see such blessing. I am continually overwhelmed by God's provision. we prayed to see Caleb - God gave us a clear ultrasound just 3 weeks before his death. We watched as he waved his arms and kicked his feet to the beat of his beautiful heart. Then God granted us delivery in the hospital where we were able to see his perfectly formed body.
Through this entire pregnancy God has faithfully answered our prayers, strengthened us in our weakness, comforted us when we were fearful, given us words to comfort our children, and filled our hearts with overflowing love for God.

Life is beautiful, real and precious! I am ever thankful to God for this life that changed our family. Though he will be greatly missed I am so thankful God saw fit to allow him here for the time that he was here.

Today, we were surrounded by our spiritual family - our church family. They grieved with us and comforted each one of us in ways that others have not. They have stood by us throughout this, and lifted faithful, beautiful prayers on our behalf to God. I can never say enough to this family God has provided us in way of thanks. Through this God has shown me how very special our spiritual families truly are - for we are joined by a common God in a miraculous love.

Caleb Levi Riddle
Born November 2, 2010
12:26 am
3 1/2 inches long
8 ounces
Titus Memorial Hospital
Little Brother to: Anna Grace (Sissy), Chase Ryan (Rocky), Justin Wyatt (Jay), and Rachel Elisabeth (Rae Bird)
Son of Brent Ryan and Abbie Day