Thoughts for the Day Jan 16, 2011

I can not begin to know God's reasons or His ways, for they are beyond my understanding. I am continually left amazed at His Handy-work and my unworthiness. It seems that the longer I follow this God who brought everything into existence, the more I pursue a relationship with Him the more I realize the brokenness of my estate and the need for a savior.

I am amazed that God chose His pain - and a most agonizing sacrifice of His beloved -so that I could be brought close. For in my most meager attempts of sacrifice I have found I fall sadly short. My offerings are mere shadows of what was so willingly lain upon the alter for me. In fact upon looking at what I have called sacrifice I am fully ashamed to say that I have chosen that which has often cost me very little or nothing and then very proudly (albeit, not spoken except in the farthest reaches of my heart) been proud of MY ability to do so well for the Lord when in fact I was using His resources. For all the talents and abilities I possess he formed within me before time began - as stated in Jeremiah 1:1 "I knew you before I formed you, before I placed you in your mother's womb". So who am I to take credit for what God Himself created within me - these talents or things are merely my duty to use for His glory.

This valley I am in - this loss that I have suffered - I pray constantly will bring me closer to Him who created me. I began last year with a prayer that God would change my life and my sight. I offered up to Him who created all things this life (that on it's own is useless and can accomplish nothing of lasting value) for His use. Little did I know that this prayer, prayed daily until November 2, 2011 would lead me on a journey that would turn my faith and my world upside down so that I might finally see right side up.

We began with the challenge of taking in two children - when the obviously easier answer would have been no. Brent was in seminary, I home school 4 children and these two children we knew had issues (much more serious than we knew at first). Yet we felt compelled that this was what God would have us to do. After they were removed from our home after their CPS court date to be placed in a different county (away from their parents who live only 2 blocks from us) I found out I was pregnant.
This too turned out to be a challenge. For when hope was seemingly lost we were forced to decide where our faith would stand. Daily a battle raged for my allegiance - would I surrender to desperation and despair or cling to the cross? Daily a reached for my savior, daily I begged for God's provision. Daily I saw His grace and the more the hope was extinguished by this world and the odds stacked up against us the more that grace became clear and new dreams and hopes arose. Then we lost our son - my world shattered - and the greatest grief, the most terrible ache, the deepest sorrow entered my world - and my world spun and tilted, tipped and rolled. There in the devastation of hopes, the brokenness of dreams, the desperation of heart my Savior reached out. Not promising relief, not offering sanctuary from this agonizing pain but whispering "Can you not stay one hour with me, I have not left you....I am able to deliver you". "Able to deliver", how strange these words sound - not delivered from this thing but able to be delivered into grace! Amazing how God changes our sight when we lean into him.

My prayer this year: still the same as last.
Here is my life Lord, take it, break it, bless it for your glory. Use it as you see fit. You chose your loss willingly so that it would be my gain. Teach me to lie down those things most precious without thought for your will. Help me not to cling to the things of this earth. Keep me humble. Keep me close. Keep my feet from temptation.